Our Infertility Story - Part 2

Thank you everyone for your encouraging and thoughtful comments. Here's the next post of our story. If you missed the first post you can find it here. We know our trial may seem like nothing compared to what many of our friends and loved ones have been through, or it may seem like a lot. Either way we're in this together and can all learn from each other.

February 2, 2013

A month or so after Mike’s surgery we found out we’d be moving to Massachusetts! The land of Fertility, where much more is covered by insurance than in Utah!  This is a HUGE blessing!

Mike and I feel like we are trying to enjoy this time. We’ve been able to do a lot of things that we wouldn’t have been able to with kids {cruise, road trips, trying all kinds of restaurants, movies, Boston adventures, sleeping in, planning a NYC trip etc.}. I do like to acknowledge these things so that I feel more grateful for what we can do, rather than what we can’t have right now. Obviously I would give up any or all of these things to have a baby and will gladly do so when it finally happens.

Another thing that goes along with this is the fact that people think that because we don’t have kids that we don’t have anything to do. {Yes, I’m positive we’ll be even busier and crazy when we do have kids but it’s annoying they assume we have this simple easy life}. I have to remind myself they don’t really know. I’ve been asked to do things because “I don’t have kids”. For me its like rubbing salt in a wound and is an insult. I want to say, “don’t ask me to do something because I don’t have kids, ask me because you want ME to do it”. Yes, I may be the best person to do certain things because we don’t have kids and it will be easier for me to do it, but when that’s used as the reason I really hate it {and of course I feel pressured and resent doing it}.

Since we’ve moved to Massachusetts we’ve been able to get in with the Fertility Centers of New England. We had our first appointment with them in August 2012 {this is pathetic that I have to use years, but its gone on for years…} Our doctor, Dr. Weiss seems really good. They explain things well and seem to understand the infertility game. We set up a handful of appointments for blood work, ultrasounds, seamen analysis, and HSG test over the next month. After all these tests we received a diagnosis of “unexplained infertility”. So that’s it…unexplained huh? I am grateful its not something else…. so I guess ill take unexplained.

We were able to talk with the doctor about Mike’s surgery. The doctor said that the numbers were slightly higher, but even with the numbers before the surgery, he wouldn't have recommend we go through with it... the numbers had been in the normal range, just on the lower end. WHAT???? We were both a little surprised when he said this! It is frustrating and made us really wish we had received a second opinion before going through with it. But, we felt good about it at the time and with all the knowledge and resources we had at the time it was the best next step. I also think the doctors think a little differently about infertility out here because it is more available and do-able for more people. In Massachusetts fertility is covered by insurance so it’s more common to do an IUI or IVF to get pregnant. Also, couples out here don’t usually have more than one or two kids so doing ART {Assisted Reproductive Technology} isn’t as big a deal. But when its YOU it IS a big deal…

I have now heard 3 fertility doctors compare infertility to having cancer. Some people may think that is an odd comparison. I’ve never had cancer and cant imagine how hard it would be, but the comparison made me feel a little justified in thoughts and feelings I’ve had about our infertility experience. The doctors explained that the stress on a person, or couple is so great that it compares to the stress of someone who is going through cancer. {I do think certain types of cancer and treatments would definitely be worse, I am in no way comparing our situation to them}. I do think this is a good comparison and it has helped me at times to realize that what we are going through is very real, very difficult, very serious to any couple that wants a baby, and has helped me to realize I’m doing ok in the grand scheme of things. Infertility is like going through cancer, but not being able to tell anyone, not being able to tell them why you need time off work, why I cant make that baby shower Saturday, and why sometimes your super emotional, don’t feel well, or just sad.

In thinking about what I could compare infertility to so that others would understand what we’re going through I thought of this comparison... Infertility is like your child being taken away from you. You love them so much, but you cant be with them. We’ve felt like there is a little boy or girl waiting to join our family but we haven’t been able to meet them yet. It feels like they are withheld and we are missing something. You want to be with them so bad and feel that a big part of your life is missing without them.  There may be a day here and there that you are grateful you could sleep in or go out to eat without child but you’d rather have them back than be able to do those things. You’d do anything you could to get them back.

In October {2012} we decided we would try doing an IUI {Intrauterine-Insemination}. The doctor recommended doing 3 months of IUI, if that doesn’t work we can then discuss IVF {In Vitro Fertilization}. He also gave us the option to go straight to IVF but we decided we’d rather try the less-invasive method first. So we got all set up to do an IUI in October…and then I started my first job out here in MA. From day one it was super stressful. I’d come home every day with my head spinning. I could go on and on about why things didn’t work out there, but the short of it is I QUIT in December!! It wasn’t the right fit for me for what’s going on in our lives right now. During the 3 months I was there I wasn’t able to move forward with our fertility plans because I was too stressed. I had all the medication for the IUI cycle in October but it sat in the cupboard/fridge for a few months. {I had to put the Ovidryl shot in the very back of the fridge where I wouldn’t see it every time I opened the fridge.} I physically and emotionally couldn’t take on one more thing when I was working. I felt so overwhelmed with my job and was sick all the time. The thought of trying to do the IUI was too much which was hard because that is what I wanted most, to move forward with our fertility treatment! Working was stopping me from doing what I wanted to do most. It was hard to go to work every day, when I had to act like I wanted this career and play the part I never felt. I have always wanted to be a Mom, not have some career. I am so grateful we were in the situation we are in where I could quit. Mike is so understanding! I think a lot of husbands would be annoyed with everything I’ve put Mike through. The good news is it is now February {2013} and I started the IUI cycle and I will be starting a very flexible part time job on Monday!!! I am so grateful!

February 3, 2013

I started Clomid for 5 days. The Clomid gave me really bad cramps for the first few days. I also felt dizzy and had some hot flashes when I was taking it. The hot flashes would wake me up at night and I felt really weird. I was on a very low dose, half a pill, so the side effects were probably less than if I were taking a full dose. The Clomid produces healthy follicles and induces ovulation. The OBGYN in Utah once told me he could put me on Clomid but I didn’t feel right about it {because I know I ovulate}. After receiving the full infertility work-up I was willing to take clomid this time. Clomid is always taken when doing an IUI to be SURE that you ovulate that month and that you have lots of good follicles. The doctor’s office monitors you closely while taking Clomid. I was in the office for blood work and an ultrasound Thursday, yesterday, and again tomorrow. I have horrible veins and the phlebotomist yesterday got me good! I will be wearing long sleeves for the next week to cover my bruises!

February 6, 2013

Monday night Mike gave me the Ovidryl shot in my belly!!! AHHHH! I was so scatterbrained after I found out it needed to happen that night! I was to do it between 6pm and 8pm. So, Mike got home about 6 and we got it over with. I had him watch the instructional video and asked him to do it. I was too chicken and needed some help! Who qualified me {or Mike} to give me a shot full of medication?? Shouldn’t a nurse be doing this? Mike was quick!! It hurt going in and again when the medicine was injected “subcutaneously” {who learns words like that} but overall it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I was so happy once it was done!!! I’d known this was going to happen for months, was so glad it was done! If I have to do it again I could, but I would still make Mike do it. Lets hope it wont need to happen a second time.

Today we went in for our IUI procedure!!!! Mike gave his sample and then came in the room with me for the procedure. It was nice to have his support and be with me in the room…after all, it is getting us pregnant, shouldn’t he be in the room? It wasn’t too painful. After they insert the sperm they had me stay lying down for 15 min. Now we wait! {Not going to lie, probably going to be the longest 2 weeks ever!} So exciting that we are actually moving forward with things!! I don’t really want a lot of people knowing we did the IUI today, or knowing the timing of things and then expecting some sort of an announcement.

February 9, 2013

Getting pregnant in a doctors office isn’t the way I would like to have things happen {it makes it a different kind of experience that’s for sure!} but if that’s the only way its going to happen we’ll do it! Some people talk about planning when they will have their next child to fall in the summer, or with the school year, etc. To heck with “planning” to have a child in October so I’ll get pregnant in February…I just want it to happen period.

I know everyone has trials, this feels like my big one. At least up to this point in my life this has been my biggest trial yet. At least I have Mike to go through it with. But sometimes I worry I talk about it too much to Mike, I don’t want him to get sick of me always needing to discuss it. It is finding a balance where we can talk about it but it doesn’t consume our lives too much. {Which is sometimes hard to do because we are surrounded by it and constantly reminded of it}. We’ve even discussed where we need to sit at church, because sometimes sitting behind a family full of little kids and an adorable baby is just too hard for me. Not because their kids are loud or distracting, but because I cant help but watch and wish for the same thing week after week. Church is really hard, and sometimes I come home and just cry! When you see people around you going through trials you care for them, pray for them, and support them. We’ve seen lots of people go through trials that are difficult, and then their trial ends. Ours has been going on for quite some time now, sometimes I wonder when ours will end? But then I have to wonder, Will it really ever end? Just because we get pregnant once may or may not end this infertility trial. What happens when we want another child? Will we go through all this again, or will it just happen normal?

I said earlier that this experience has changed the way I act, that I’m not myself. Another example of this is just picking up and holding someone’s baby, or even my own niece/nephew. I’ve been hesitant to hold a baby in front of certain people, or to hold someone’s baby at church because people make comments to me about having one of my own. This makes me scared to be myself and pick up or play with a baby because I fear what kind of comment they will make. I feel like if I hold a baby I need to take them somewhere where ill be alone. I can’t handle these comments every time I hold someone else’s baby.

On a more spiritual aspect of the infertility experience, I feel I’ve grown a lot. It’s given me lots of time to think about life, about what’s really most important, and about what I need to learn throughout this. In Oct 2011 General Conference there was one line that stood out to me that has made me think a lot. “The AtonementCovers all the Unfairness of Life” {Quentin L Cook}. This infertility experience really feels unfair to me, and this quote has helped me to realize that the atonement covers that too!! Among all the many things the atonement covers Christ wanted those who went through unfair things to be remembered. Being remembered, by Christ, {through the atonement} makes all trials and unfairness easier to get through as long as we stay close to him. I’ve realized that the atonement really does cover much more than just sins. Christ suffered for me; he felt this pain I’ve felt.

Another one of my favorite sayings right now is Faith in God Includes Faith in his Timing {Neal A Maxwell}. I have this one printed and framed on a shelf. It helps me realize that God is still there, even if he didn’t give me what I wanted when I was ready. He is still there even if we don’t have kids for years to come, because that would mean it isn’t his timing. If it isn’t time for us to have kids then what IS it his time for? Not getting what you want when you wanted it makes you ask, then what is it that God wants for me? What is he trying to teach me? What does he want me to be doing right now? I’ve found myself really praying and pondering to know what I should be doing right now.

Another question I’ve thought about in my mind is, is fertility right? We are told to do all we can do and God will make up the rest. We are also commanded to have children. I want to obey this commandment, but is it RIGHT for us to use fertility to get pregnant? If I don’t use fertility am I not doing all I could have done? Are fertility treatments right if its not the Lords time for us? What is the balance of both? I think it is different for every couple.  Mike and I both feel that now is the right time for us to do treatments.

*** Here’s to keeping our fingers crossed for Wednesday! We find out the results of the IUI on Wednesday. ***

February 24, 2013

Well, the results were not as we hoped they’d be. BFN {Big Fat Negative}! As I went in for blood work that morning I just knew I wasn’t pregnant, I could feel it. When the nurse called to tell me I was not surprised at the results and I told her “ok, we’ll try again”. I felt positive on the phone, but as I drove home from work my eyes filled up with tears. I came home, got comfortable, and grabbed a blanket for the couch. I felt zero motivation and felt I was holding back a lot of emotions. Mike walked in the door early {knowing we needed each other’s support he came home from work early} and I burst into tears. We didn’t move far from the couch that night. We ordered a pizza and watched 2 hours of American Idol…something to distract us from our disappointment. I checked Facebook and Blogs….BAD IDEA!!! I swear there were more baby talk/pictures/etc. than normal. I really wasn’t trying to sulk in my bad news, but I needed a night to just be sad about it. The next day I did a little retail therapy after work at Home Goods. The last few days have felt extra hard with a few more upset moments than usual. I realized I will not be 27 and have a baby {the due date with this IUI would have been end of October}. Hoping it will happen when I’m 28 and Mike will be 30! I never imagined id be that old and have my first, but as I’m learning, my life is not as I planned it to be. I’m trying to just look forward to the next month and hope it will be better. I feel cautiously optimistic. Trying to be hopeful, but at the same time realizing that the same thing could happen again.