Our Infertility Story - Part 3

February 24, 2014

Today church was cancelled because of the weather. It’s given me a chance to look up talks and spiritual messages about infertility, something that is really meaningful and what I need right now. Here are some scriptures I found that I really like.

Alma 26:27

Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to ^aturn back, behold, the Lord ^bcomforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren, the Lamanites, and bear with ^cpatience thine ^dafflictions, and I will give unto you success.

D&C 121:7-9

My son, ^apeace be unto thy soul; thine ^badversity and thine afflictions shall be but a ^csmall moment; And then, if thou ^aendure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy ^bfoes. Thy ^afriends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.

D&C 29: 39

And it must needs be that the ^adevil should ^btempt the children of men, or they could not be ^cagents unto themselves; for if they never should have ^dbitter they could not know the sweet—

D&C 123:17

Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us ^acheerfully ^bdo all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the ^csalvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

Other things I have recently thought about:

-Healing comes from the Lord-Not a pregnancy

-One Size does not fit all, we are not all the same, why should our lives look the same

-It doesn’t matter “who” it is, infertility is conquered as a couple

-Don’t ask people {or even make jokes} about others having kids

-When I talk to others about infertility all I want is for them to acknowledge that what I’m going through is difficult. I really don’t need them to say much else, or ask anything specific…just acknowledge it’s hard.

Since moving to Massachusetts Mike and I have met quite a few others who have gone through infertility. More and more people are finding out and with that more and more people tell us of their experiences. We had such a good talk with a couple in our ward about it, as we left Mike and I were talking about it and realized we felt comfortable because they didn’t ask/pressure us…they just shared their experiences/stories and how hard and frustrated they were but they never asked or implied anything on us. They could relate so well but without saying anything hurtful.

I know Mike and I have a stronger marriage because of what we’ve gone through with infertility. It’s been so difficult, but I don’t want to trade places with anyone else, because we are learning so much. We are learning what Heavenly Father intended for us to learn.

March 5, 2013

Today we had our second IUI. My stomach has been much more sensitive this time around. {I like to think the shot and medicine must really be working this time} The clomid gave me major hot flashes and the Ovidrel shot made my stomach really sensitive the last few days and I’ve had bad side aches. I’m not too worried because Google {and the nurse today} tells me that’s a side effect of the shot, because my body is being forced to ovulate, maybe sooner than normal, and I have larger follicles due to the clomid so its all working how it should.  The procedure went fine today-nothing like getting pregnant on a doctors table.  They gave me my bill for last months IUI, and I was thrilled to see it was only $354.00!! I even told the lady at the front that I never thought id be so happy to pay a $300 bill because in Utah where we were before none of it would have been covered by insurance. What a blessing!

March 8, 2013

Today I told Mike “I wish I had as much faith as everyone else does about our problems”. Namely our parents. They have always been loving and understanding to us about fertility. I’m so grateful for that!

April 14, 2013

This week we find out the results of our 3^rd {and last} IUI. 3^rd times the charm right? We find out the results on Thursday. I feel hopeful about this cycle. I had 3 large follicles instead of one this month!  The nurse got me a little excited when she asked if Id be ok with multiples because there was more of a chance of multiples this time with 3 large follicles. I told her at this point id be ok with anything and it was fun to think about the possibility of multiples!

June 4, 2013

The 3^rd IUI did not work. It was a disappointment but not a surprise. The fact that the 3 IUI’s didn’t work makes me realize just how real our infertility is. During IUI’s everything is at prime conditions to get pregnant, and you are helped by getting the sperm where they need to be….but it still didn’t happen. So we’re moving on to bigger and scarier treatments…IVF!!!

The 2 months since I last wrote have been full of emotions and anxiety and we’re still not pregnant…yet! We decided to move forward with IVF. After the 3^rd IUI we met with the doctor as a follow up and discussed IVF. We went to the appointment knowing we’d do IVF but it came a little faster than we expected and it was very overwhelming at first. Based on the dates we were going to be out of town it worked that we were able to start the IVF process the day we met with the doctor. If we didn’t start then we likely wouldn’t be starting until the fall. {Because you must be around for the shots, procedures and monitoring}. The timing worked out perfectly as the doctor reviewed everything and the timeline if we started that day.  I thought I was ready for it but over the next few days I had so much anxiety and questioned if it was right or not. Looking at it now, I feel it was right not to wait until the end of summer to do it, but It was quicker than I anticipated and I didn’t expect to leave the doctors office to pick up a prescription starting IVF. The doctor assured us that we’d be done before we left for Utah on June 18.  Well, we are done with most of the IVF process and will find out if it worked on the morning of June 18^th! Talk about cutting it close!

My sister Janelle and my Mom sent us this awesome IVF Survival Kit. It was so thoughtful and I loved all the little notes that came on each item. There were even prescription bottles with candy inside and instructions for Mike and I on how many to take after each injection.

After we discussed IVF with the doc on April 25 the nurse met with us to go over medications and more details of the process. She was confusing! She didn’t fully answer our questions and made us more worried about how things would go. We left to pick up a prescription for me to start birth control that night. She had called it in wrong and then the office closed so there was some stress trying to get the prescription that day. The doctor said that was the last day of my cycle that he would start someone on IVF, so I needed to get it that day! It is interesting that they make you start IVF on birth control. It seems counterproductive, but they really need to control every part of your cycle, which they can do on BC pills.

Mothers Day this year was another hard one. We were in DC with family for my brother in laws Graduation so that helped take my mind off things. I did feel super emotional knowing I was about to begin the shots for IVF. I’m glad I was able to be with my Mom on Mothers Day to celebrate her!

I got my delivery of all the medications for IVF at work on May 17. I sat staring at the HUGE box wondering what could be that big! 

I brought it home and found needle after needle, after needle! They were huge! 1.5 inches long! There were multiple medications and needles and new things to figure out. The package sat there for a few days before I could do anything with it. We went through everything to make sure I had what I needed and put everything away until we needed it. {Turns out this was only1 of 3 packages like this that we'd receive with shots and needles}

I felt so overwhelmed during these first few weeks. The day after we had decided to do IVF I was doing things at home with my mind racing a hundred miles a minute of all the possibilities, what if’s and shots. I felt so anxious, I felt like it was hard to breath. I just had to lie down on the bed to talk myself out of it. I’m trying to train myself to stop thinking so much when I start feeling this way. And I have to remember to keep breathing! There were multiple times when I felt myself panicking just thinking about the process! Mike would tell me not to think about the whole process {30+ shots each month} but just one day at a time. If I thought about it that way it was more manageable and all I had to do was one day’s worth of shots at a time. If I tried thinking too far ahead it became too much, but one day was ok. Another helpful thing we did was chart out all the medications/ shots/ procedures on the calendar. That way I could see the timeline and as the treatments changed we’d adjust the dates forward or backward. This was helpful to know when things were going to happen {as much as we could plan}. We kept our schedule pretty clear for the weeks of shots and procedures.

The day we decided at the doctors office to do IVF we were also handed a paper to sign stating what we wanted to have happen with our unused embryos. We could freeze them, discard them, or donate them. There is a lot to think about with all these choices! What is right? Mike and I looked at the church handbook on what it says around fertility treatments. The church discourages using donor sperm/eggs and for single women to use ART. There are a lot of opinions and debates out there. From what we felt and what we read we felt good with what we are doing.

We started the shots May 25. The first shot was Gonal F May 25-31. The second shot, Menopur started May 28-31, and the third shot Cetrotide started May 30-31. By the time you reach the last 2 or 3 days you are doing 3 shots each night. It became quite the process or prepping the shots, mixing the correct amount of mixtures, and giving the shots {about 45 minutes}. It was Complicated! Mike gave me all of them! He is quite the pro at it now! We found it worked the best if he did most the prep and I didn’t see the needles. We found if I sat up on the couch or bed it was easier to get some stomach to grab rather than if I was lying down. By the end I found it was easier if I didn’t even look because if I could see Mike getting close or doing his dart like motion and I would flinch or tense up. If I closed my eyes it was better. The nights with 3 shots were the worst. Cetrotide itches afterward and Menopur hurt going in. I did get a nice black and blue bruise on my belly from one night of shots but just bruised once! Mike is so careful not to hurt me, I can’t imagine its easy giving your wife 3 shots a day!  We felt so accomplished after we made it through the last night of 3 shots! For me the shots seemed like the scariest part and we made it through! As the shots progressed I started feeling worse and worse as the days went on. But I did better than I expected, was not sick, just crampy, and headachy and felt really full towards the end of it. I felt so crampy that all I wore was really loose clothes and I felt hunched over half the time from my side aches. It was not bad compared to what I was imagining. 

We did the trigger shot on June 1! The trigger, Novarel, is injected intramuscularly {into your bum muscle}.  These are the shots that use 1.5 inch needles! I was pretty sore the 2 days following this shot. The trigger shot is what forces you to ovulate exactly 36 hours later so that they can retrieve the eggs.

On the way to the Egg Retrieval, wearing my cute socks from my care package

We went in for the egg retrieval yesterday {June 3}! We arrived and Mike went back to give his sample and I changed into my hospital gown. They started my IV and then let Mike come in. The doctor came in and told me based on my last ultrasound they were going for 4 eggs but he would take everything he could so I might be a sore afterwards. They gave me an antibiotic in my IV. The anesthesiologist came in and asked if I had a preference which drug she used…I’ve never had any of them so it didn’t matter to me. The sedation started, I remember Mike giving me a kiss and then being wheeled back into a dark room. There were some ladies in the room with hairnets on and they asked me to scoot down to the edge of the bed. I tried, I remember they asked me again and that’s the last I remember until I started waking up! Not bad, I don’t remember a thing! I’m sure those ladies had to pull me down themselves because I was out fast! I felt fine when I started waking up, I just remember wanting to keep sleeping. Then the pain started setting in and I woke up quicker because of it. I took Tylenol, ate some crackers and drank some soda but I felt like I couldn’t move to get changed so they gave me some more medicine in my IV.  The doctor came in and told us he was able to get 6 eggs! I felt good about that! I was eventually able to get changed and ready to go. When I look online there are some people that had 30 to 40 eggs but they said the amount isn't the important part but the quality is so I’m hopeful that because there were fewer the quality of them will be better. Another reason I had fewer eggs was because my doctor didn’t want to over stimulate my body so he gave me low doses of everything for the first IVF cycle.

Mike stopped and got us Panera Bread for lunch {I was starved because I couldn’t eat or drink before the procedure}. We came home, I made it up the 3 flights of our stairs and collapsed on the couch for the rest the day! I took today off to give myself another day to rest.

This morning I was waiting for my phone call from the doctors office but I got my update by email letting us know that the 6 eggs were all mature and that 4 of them were able to be fertilized. We have 4 embryo’s growing!!!! I Cried! It feels so much closer than it ever has before. I’m just praying that at least 1 of the 4 will make it to Saturday when they do the transfer. We're only planning to transfer 1 and we will freeze the rest. Based on what I can find online usually only 1/3 of them make it to day 5 {Saturday}. So...I'm hopeful we'll have at least one! Right now they are being incubated. I can’t help but think there are 4 mini Penrod’s growing right now! There is something alive and I want so badly for all of them to make it! They are real and growing! The hope is that they will all make it to the blastocyst stage where they are more stable to be transferred or frozen. Now we wait. I wish we received another update on day 3 but I don’t think we will. We will find out how many made it when we show up for the transfer on Saturday!

I had a fun time today calling our family to let them know! Mike first, he was at work but we were both so excited!!! It feels like a miracle and so exciting that we are this close! We are closer to a baby than we’ve ever been before!!! And there are 4 of them!!! My Dad made me cry all over again and my mom said that right now we have quadruplets!!! I called Mary, my Mother-in-law to update her too. It was so fun to tell her. She said now that she knows there are 4 she will picture each one of them!!! I love our parents! Calling to tell them about the 4 embryos gave me a little hint at what it will be like to tell them we are pregnant!

My parents both said how good they feel about everything. My mom said that she’s been so worried for me and nervous how my body would react or that I needed to be healthy in order for a pregnancy to work. She said that the last few days she has felt calm about it and that things would work out fine. I feel the same way! Mike and I were talking about this last night. I feel so blessed that the process has gone as smooth as it has.  Don’t get me wrong, its been hard, but I feel the help of all the prayers and fasting in our behalf. I was really worried about the shots and reactions I might have to the medicines and if id be able to handle everything. When we went to DC a few weeks ago Mike and my Dad were able to give me a blessing and I know its been helping me through this process. I feel stronger than I thought id be. I haven’t had the anxiety I had at the beginning and even the anxiety I felt through the IUI’s. I’ve felt calm and emotionally a lot better than I’ve been for a while! With all the hormones I was expecting the opposite but I’ve been so blessed and I’m so grateful for the priesthood blessing. I know I couldn’t be feeling this way on my own. There have been many times throughout this process that I have literally felt Heavenly Father helping me through, Id just have moments here and there that I knew the only reason I was doing ok was because of his help and prayers/fasting from family and friends.

From now until the pregnancy test in 2 weeks I am taking Estrace pills 2x a day and I get a progesterone shot in my bum each night. Not looking forward to the shots but I can do anything for 4 little embryos! Mike looked up the cost of the shots and medications we received. We paid about $250 for all the medications this cycle. The cost of the Gonal F pen alone {without insurance coverage} was almost $1000!! Other shots would be almost $100 each! We had a few thousand dollars of medicine just in our fridge! It makes me so grateful we have the insurance coverage that we do and makes me respect the couples that go through this without insurance helping out.

Mike’s 30^th birthday is Friday! Transfer is Saturday {June 8^th} morning. Happy Birthday to Mike! I really wanted to throw him a 30^th birthday party but with the transfer Saturday and everything else we’re doing this week its not going to happen. Hope he wants to celebrate with just me. We’re hoping for a happy birthday present of healthy blastocysts! 

June 9, 2013

Yesterday was transfer day!! I was so excited/nervous I feel like I didn’t sleep. We went to the doctors office got changed and ready and then waited for the doctor. My bladder was full for the ultrasound so it felt like we waited forever. The nurse showed us how things would look on the ultrasound screen and that we’d be able to see a flash of light go across a certain area as the embryo was transferred. We were anxious to how many of our embryos made it to blastocysts.  The doc came in and told us we had ONE blast to transfer. He said 2 of them didn’t develop and the other one wasn’t doing much at this point but that they would keep an eye on it. Likely we wont have anything to freeze but that is OK because we had ONE to transfer and that was the goal! It does feel sad that the other 3 didn’t make.  We were so thrilled to have a good one, a picture of it and all that we were ok with it. Not having any to freeze may simplify things for us later. For example if we did freeze one, but no longer live in Massachusetts, or the likelihood of the one making it out of the thaw isn’t as likely and we’d not have anything for that transfer if we were planning on a frozen one. If we did have some to freeze it maybe could have saved a step if we need to do IVF again but we’re happy with how things have turned out. The doctor gave us a picture of the blastocyst, which is now on our fridge! Its like getting to have ultrasound pictures on your fridge but at a very early stage! 

Little Blastocyst at 5 days old,  a picture under the microscope just before they put it inside of me!

After they transferred the Blastocyst!

Things are always a little awkward and uncomfortable with the procedures but it was very similar to the IUI’s. Mike is sitting next to me holding my hand. The catheter with the blast is placed inside me. There is an air bubble around the blast so when its released we could see what looked like a shooting star on the ultrasound. The nurse played it over for me after so I could see it again. It was so exciting!!!! The tech left to go look at the catheter under a microscope to be sure the blast did transfer and wasn’t stuck in the catheter. She came back a minute later and said it was transferred! After everything they left Mike and I to wait and rest lying down for 10 minutes. I’m so glad Mike was there, it was such an exciting thing! I just kept smiling!

After our 10 min wait they let me use the bathroom {phew}, then the nurse drew on my bum with a pen to show Mike exactly where the progesterone shots should be going {just to be sure we were doing them in the right place}. I joked with her that it was probably not the most desirable part of her job. She said they do it all the time!

The last few days we’ve been doing the Estrace and Progesterone shots. The progesterone shots HURT! They are ok going in but they make me really sore. Sore that it hurts to sit, hurts to walk, hurts to stand up straight and all my joints hurt. Finding a comfortable position at night is difficult because I’m sore all over my backside and my hips {Listen to me, I sound like I’m 8 months pregnant!} I definitely dread them but I know it will all be worth it! I CAN DO HARD THINGS!

Yesterday and for the next 2 days I’m on restricted activity. And for the next 2 weeks no heavy lifting or anything that would make me break a sweat. I was given full permission to be a couch potato for the next few days! I feel lazy, but relaxed. Physically I feel ok, just a little crampy but the restricted activity is so that I’m not on my feet and that the embryo has a better chance of attaching to the uterus. I keep sneezing with allergies and I get worried! Mike did so much for me yesterday! He pampers me so well! He did all the housework, grocery shopping, laundry, and cooking yesterday! Then he went to get me a movie!

Now I’m in what they call the TWW {two week wait}. We find out by blood work if it all worked on June 18^th! I go in for blood work that morning, will hopefully get a phone call by noon and by that afternoon we’ll be on a plane to SLC! I’m relieved we will get to do the first blood test here but I’m worried if its negative that will be really hard to deal with getting on a plane. If it’s positive it will be so exciting to tell our families in person! At that point we will be 4 weeks pregnant. If it’s negative it will be miserable no matter what. Im trying to prepare myself for both situations but remain positive. If it’s positive we go in 2 days later for another test. We will be in Utah but they were able to give us 2 locations that we could go to and have it done. If things are positive after that it’s one more blood test and an ultrasound looking for a heartbeat at 7 weeks! They say the TWW is one of the hardest parts of doing treatments. Right now I just feel happy to be at this point!